Shifting Gears

Hello to you! How are you doing?

I am middling. Somedays middling plus and others middling minus. I am very much enjoying not working, but I am very much missing my dog, Violet. She developed cancer behind her right eye. The inner eyelid started closing and before we had a diagnosis–non-nodal lymphoma–that eye was fully closed and the left was starting to close. The imaging showed cancer behind both eyes and a spot in her chest. A biopsy confirmed it. The proposed treatments and probable outcomes were not good or durable so we opted not to treat it and instead helped her into the realm of pure energy. She seemed happy and comfortable up to her last day, full vigor and very much herself, but we didn’t want her to suffer when the cancer spread. Forty five days from first sign to euthanasia. Just shy of nine years old.

I spend more time celebrating her memory than mourning her loss. She was an incredible friend. Loving, fun, strong, vigilant and intelligent. She changed me. I more or less turned my life over to her (she reciprocated). We walked seven times a day, roughly five miles in total. Zero days off. Trained every morning. Snuggled in-between walks and training. She wasn’t always by my side, but when she chose to be another room she kept an ear out for my movements. If I was downstairs or went out, she’d wait at the top of the stairs. From there she could keep an eye on the door. I believed she was looking for me and intruders.

Over our seven years together, we wore each other out. In between activities we were more often than not lying in bed. I needed to take a load off every chance I got. Bed was where Violet stood the best shot at relaxing. If we were in the front of the house, she would be guarding. Sitting at a window to alert us to delivery people, dogs, cats, squirrels, rabbits, skunks, foxes and opossums. Her barks were loud. Her nose prints on the window glass were thick (I’d start the cleaning process with a razor blade). In bed she’d still sit up and look for squirrels and rabbits, but eventually she’d lower her head and nap. So much napping.

I am slowly assembling a life without Violet. Still walking, but not always five miles a day and those miles are covered in no more than two walks. Lacey and I are enjoying longer outings together (while Violet was alive one of us would stay at home to enjoy her while the other adventured). Still cooking. So much cooking. I’ve started an exercise routine. Each morning I alternate between yoga and pedaling a bicycle on rollers. For yoga a do a thirty five minute DVD class with Sara Ivanhoe put out by Crunch Fitness. I’ve been doing it on and off for thirty years. More off than on. But now I’ve done it every other day since the beginning of the year. It feels so good to be stretching again. When atop rollers, I pedal for thirty minutes. I don’t push too hard but my heart rate goes up and I sweat. I stand to pedal for thirty seconds every five minutes to give my rear a break. While I pedaled, I started watching music videos on Tidal, but now I’m watching The Dog House on HBO. Reality TV about people adopting dogs. It’s so cute.

In October of last year, I joined the Albany Buddhist Sangha. When we lived in Omaha I was a member at the Nebraska Zen Center, but after moving to Albany I didn’t look for a new group to sit with. For a couple of years I sat alone in the mornings, but then I let it go for a decade. I started sitting again during the pandemic. Then last fall Lacey sent me a link to the site for Albany Buddhist Sangha. I went on a Tuesday night and haven’t stopped. Such good people. Wonderful to come together and work to help ourselves and the world. When Violet passed, they gave a very touching memorial service for her. She received a Buddhist name. Gonen (“mindful protector”). They sure got that right! I recently took vows and received a name, too. Jaku Jo (“becoming tranquil”). I’m trying!

I will pedal more this summer than I did while Violet was around. While I was walking with her, I had little energy to spare. When weather permitted, I’d pedal to the grocery store with a trailer and on occasion I accepted invitations to pedal with friends on trails or in the woods, but I was a walker first, pedaler second. Now, gulp, I’ve accepted an invitation to ride Amtrak to Buffalo and then pedal home along the Erie Canal. Three hundred and sixty miles in six days. Just four of us, self-supported and mostly camping. It will be the most I’ve pedaled in my life. So far, my longest ride was a pedal to Saratoga Springs for a Bob Dylan concert. Pedaled home at night after the show. Seventy five miles all in. That was about 15 years ago. On this big adventure we will pedal that each day. I hope my body holds up. If it sends well, I will write a post to share the big adventure.

I am volunteering with Prisoners’ Legal Services of New York. Not a lot of hours so far, but it is important work and I am patient. It feels odd, and good, to be doing something completely new. Researching, drafting and strategizing in an area of law I’ve never touched. So far I’ve only helped one individual, but there will be more in the future. I am happy to have the chance to help.

Other than that, I am relaxing. It took years to get comfortable with my working life so I am giving myself years to figure out how to best make use of my extra time. Patient. Fingers crossed. Hopeful. I hope the best for you.